Ever since moving to the UK, October has always been a significant month for me.
In October we celebrate black history month. Every year there is always some debate about whether or not it is necessary, but when it really comes down to it and especially now that I’m part of the baby loss community, another “club” that suffers from preconceptions and isolation, it is important that this month of reflection exists.
Black history month is a time to reflect on the things we are not taught about in general schooling systems or not part of the “general knowledge”. The type of general knowledge that is often only general in relation to our white counterparts. A simple example of this would be, if I was to name the entire cast of ‘Friends’, everyone would know who each character and actor was - in fact I’d be scrutinised for not knowing who was who. However, if I was to ask the names of the cast members from ‘A Different World’ there may be crickets. This is just a very surface level example. For many non white people this is our daily experience, we are born knowing that white is “the norm” and the standard we must always compare ourselves to. I say compare, because often health studies are centred around white people and often overlooking and forgetting that there are certain things that affect different racial communities. Like black women being primarily more prone to preeclampsia, something that should always be flagged up in appointments just so we know to look out for it. I say compare because in our day to day, if you were to run out to your local shop for a last minute birthday card the people mostly reflected on those cards are white. I know many people would feel uncomfortable giving someone who wasn’t black a card with only black characters. One could argue “well this is a European white country”, however people of different races have been here for quite some time, is it too much to expect to be included and reflected.
Our experiences of life are different, due to many factors. Just like losing a baby singles us out from many things, our race and ethnicity does the exact same. Months like Black History Month, are actually a great opportunity for non black people to openly engage, be involved and learn new things they may have not known before.
I will use this black history month as an opportunity to look at the resources readily available for black parents and families experiencing baby loss, because even though we may have all lost children we all deserve to find people we relate with. Whether that’s fitting in with a group of parents who have experienced baby loss earlier on in their gestation, parents experiencing recurrent losses, pregnant after loss, childless not by choice, parenting after loss, parents whose relationship with their partner has broken down, religious, cultural groups or groups based on our sexual orientation. Different groups of people will understand and be able to accommodate us differently. They see things from our perspective, it’s important to remember there are many intersections that make us who we are, and we may feel more at ease with one group at different points of our lives. Everyone deserves to relate to someone and although our entire stories won’t completely match we are able to seek support from people who understand.
So what’s available for black families;
Black Baby Loss Awareness Week
In May we celebrate black baby loss awareness week, curated by the incredible Midwife Alicia Burnett. From the 12th to the 18th of May parents have the opportunity to bond with other parents, take part in workshops with health care professionals and visit in person events. Parents can also share the foundations and organisations they have started in connection to their children. It's a great time to reflect on what needs to be done to protect and educate our community towards the prevention of baby loss where sadly the mortality of black babies and mothers alike make up the higher numbers. This year (2024), we learnt about studies being carried out looking at the racism experienced by black bodies giving birth, whether that’s underplaying our level of pain or not being seen as a priority.
BBLAW is also a time to reflect on our mental health. Sadly on a cultural level black families often pass down the ideology that mental health and difficulties with it aren’t real. The PTSD experienced by parents who lose their babies is often not taken seriously as there always seems to be a time limit on this grief. It is great to have allocated time of the year to come together in safe spaces and simply take an out breath.
For more information, click on this link to see more of the lineup during black baby loss awareness week, this year and find out what more is available with that support.
Started by Tara Alexis, happens every year and has done so for the last 4 years. The Sunday before Mother’s Day, Tara hosts Sunday Tea and invites mothers to be a part of the panel. It’s breathtakingly powerful to walk into a room and see a big group of women gather together in a very warm and comfy space at Côte Brasserie in London. Women brought together by love and grief, able to pass love onto each other.
Bereaved mothers from all backgrounds are welcome, the majority of women however were black, it is an exceptionally welcoming space for all women. I must say I have made life long friendships already from that one day alone.
It purposely takes place a week before Mother’s Day for visibility and validity, a great reminder that we are indeed mothers. A week before Mother’s Day avoids and misses the overwhelm of being engulfed and surrounded by mothers in the streets being visibly loved by their living children.
With warm pastries and hot drinks, it was a beautiful moment to take pause and allow ourselves to indulge in the self care needed of being a mother to a child who is no longer here.
Created by Raye Burrell, Seyi Bakare, Gina & Peter Reeves is a community offering a shoulder to lean on for black parents and families.
They aim to meet you where you’re at on your grieving journey. Understanding the nuances on a cultural level and providing support through face to face walk and talks, educational workshops, discussion panel events or a more personal relationship through their helplines through phone calls or whatsapp.
This tailored approach means that whenever you need someone to talk to, whether that’s to vent or an ear to cry to when in a crisis, they will remember who you are.
A space for men and women. We know how often men in our community are encouraged to be strong and not show their emotions, especially black men. This is particularly difficult to do when dealing with the complexities of grief, how do you keep calm and carry on when your world has been ripped apart.
Most men grieve differently than women, they too deserve their spaces to connect and talk or watch and listen - whatever they need to express their feelings.
You can find Ebony Bonds on Instagram. Most Sundays they meet in the evening at 8PM through Instagram lives and talk about varying topics to do with baby loss.
Treasured is an event that stemmed from various connected projects run by Funke Oham, writer of Always A Mum.
It was specifically created to bring together the many other communities linked with baby loss. It is a faith based event, mostly centred around Christianity, however welcome to people of all faiths, and although most people present were from black women it is also welcome to all ethnicities.
Losing a child shakes up everything about a person’s world, how they see it and their beliefs. It is therefore unsurprising that it leaves a person significantly doubtful, and at times resentful towards religion and question whether there is a God.
For others it brings them closer to God.
This event is an opportunity for women to get together and share their experiences. The event offers the opportunity to really connect with other women by engaging in ice breaking games, listening to everyone’s journey and sharing a lovely buffet of a warm cooked lunch.
The panel discussions varied from experiences of women who have had multiple miscarriages, are childless not by choice, have ectopic pregnancies, fibroids, adenomyosis to endometriosis. There were women who have experienced stillbirth and infant loss. Mothers who have had to opt for growing their families through surrogacy or adoption.
Funke also runs the “Waiting Room”, which again is a faith based online space, where everyone meets to discuss their journey of parenthood and what that looks like with God in mind.
Five Times More, founded by Clotilde Abe and Tinuke Awe. Started as a campaign aimed at the education and advocacy for black maternal health. It is a well known fact that black women’s cries for help are more often dismissed due to cultural bias, as our threshold for pain is often questioned and we are “deemed” as strong.
Fivexmore serves as a great tool to educate us on what our rights are around maternity. It is accessible for women and birthing people from the moment they are pregnant or trying to conceive, in fact they should be one of the first resources put forward to black people when wanting to become educated about pregnancy, because otherwise we won’t know what we don’t know.
The charity has recently launched an app, an all in one place to get all the information you need. Such as free access to the Positive Birth Company, which educates women on how to be prepared to give birth.
When it comes to baby loss, they also offer great support. Their partnership with Tommys and Petals, offers parents using the Tommy's helpline and who have experienced baby loss within the last 12 months a referral for the free counselling provided by Petals.
I hope this brief outline of available resources has been helpful. I have also included a further list of more resources I am aware of. The comment section is open for anyone wanting to include any more.
Link for other organisations;
I have also recently written a blog for SANDS about breaking the silence around baby loss in black communities.