I guess the question here, really is can I imagine myself returning to my workplace after my baby is stillborn and do I want to or need to return to work. Only you can answer this for yourself, but there are definitely a few things worth considering before deciding when to return to work.
Consider the environment
First and foremost the question of “is it a safe space to be going back to?” should be heavily considered.
How did your employer respond to your loss, have they checked in on you ever since, did they and are they offering you comfort, are they making provisions for your return? Are they pressuring you to return? Are they preparing themselves on how best to approach you and care for you, are they letting your colleagues know, so the daunting questions aren’t asked? Do you want your colleagues to know yet?
There are plenty of accessible online resources, helping employers find the best practices when their employees experience a stillbirth or miscarriage. It shouldn’t be the griever’s responsibility. You give most of your hours to your workplace, you are an asset to their business, it is only fair they provide support.
Once you have established whether you want to return, it is imperative to think about your readiness. Know that you will no longer be the same, you won’t have the same agility and disposition you had before your baby died. You may find that you become extremely impatient and easily frustrated. Quite frankly it’s only natural, don’t beat yourself up about it, your workplace should be patient with you. No matter how soon or how much later you return to work, time won’t erase what happened.
Where possible taking your time to return to work or a phased return with “keeping in touch” days may help you gauge if returning to work is right for you.
Work is your old normal. They should be prepared to meet you where you are now. Remember you are not obligated to return immediately, this blog hopes to show you some of the many choices you have available and preparations to consider.
How much time can I take off?
Below is a list of maternity/parental leave granted by different countries, purely based on online research.
Wherever you live you should definitely find out your rights. Hospitals should be able to give you this information, otherwise you may have to resort to some googling.
I cannot say whether or not, in practice these times below are actually adhered to.
From personal experience living in the UK, I opted for the longest time of paid leave available. I am well aware however, that people may feel pressured or guilt tripped into shortening their leave. If you can, I would say stand your ground, this is the only time you will have for yourself to properly take a break from the world, and grieve. This grief lasts a lifetime - going back to “normal” isn’t always the healthiest option in the short and long term effects of our grief.
Maternity leave based on country (after experiencing stillbirth):
- United Kingdom: 52 weeks total with 39 weeks paid (9 months paid, 3 months unpaid if taking the full year).
- European Union: Maternity leave ranges from 14 to 16 weeks (3 to 4 months).
- United States: No specific law for stillbirth; time off depends on employers. Employees can take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act.
- Canada: 17 weeks paid leave, with an additional 2 years of leave.
- Australia: Up to 12 months unpaid parental leave.
- New Zealand: 26 weeks paid parental leave.
- Brazil: 3 months maternity leave.
- Nigeria: 12 weeks maternity leave.
- India: 6 weeks maternity leave.
- China: 1 month and 12 days paid leave.
- Angola: 3 months paid leave (if stillbirth occurred after 28 weeks).
When Maila was stillborn, I thought my return to work was supposed to be immediate. I assumed that as soon as you’re discharged, you’d be expected back in the office - after all there is no baby to look after. The realisation that I’d have to return to work without the baby they had watched me grow, was a gut wrenching thought. I completely ignored the fact that I still gave birth, that I still need to recover and that I myself almost died.
I was “relieved” to discover that since my loss happened at 36 weeks and 5 days I’d still be granted a full year’s worth of maternity leave.
However, not every country allows for leave or a long enough leave. In fact if the loss of my baby had happened any time before 24 weeks there is no legal amount of specified time off nor pay.
We forget that regardless of gestational period, when babies die, we still give birth, we still experience contractions, our bodies still need recovery, and still experience trauma. A trauma that is tenfold, because we don’t have a baby to hug for comfort or soothing. It is shocking that this is not put into consideration for necessary leave.
Returning Blues
The anticipation and jitters of going back to work is so real. It’s a type of nervousness you’ve probably never experienced before. It's a very real fear of “will they now see me as the one whose baby died”.
This is something that can potentially loom and linger over you for a long time when you get back to work. However, only upon your return will you be able to assess whether the environment really is as bad as imagined. Naturally our minds will heighten our feelings of anxiety. Sometimes returning isn’t as bad as it’s played out in our heads - other times it’s exactly how we feared and possibly (but hopefully not) worse. In any case, if it is that bad our best plan of action is addressing the person at work responsible for our wellbeing and communicate what isn't working or simply leaving.
Again it is the responsibility of the employer to provide a safe work environment for your mental health, just as they do for physical safety.
Plan for Your Return
I understand some people may want to return to work much sooner. Keeping yourself busy can help keep your mind occupied and temporarily drown out some of those heavy feelings. It’s okay to want to do this; it’s not ignoring how you feel or distancing you from your baby(ies). Grief is exhausting, and there are a million and one complicated thoughts and feelings associated with it, so breaks are welcome.
Here’s what you’ll need for your return:
- Find out if you can work from home initially or on some days (this is great if being at home feels safest, not so great if being at home feels daunting).
- Find out if you can work in a different role or department.
- Take lots of notes and make lots of lists. A pregnancy brain combined with a grief brain equals major memory fog. These memory joggers are so handy, you can visibly see how much you are getting done and minimise forgetting important things.
- Take adequate breaks, don’t overwork yourself - you don’t want to mix burn out into your mental and emotional load.
- Be vocal and set boundaries on what you can and can’t manage. Remember people often think if we appear ok, it means we are no longer grieving and they may try to give you more than you can handle.
- Find your own space: some people may want to quickly integrate with colleagues, but others may prefer to spend time alone. Why not go for a walk on your lunch, sit outside, treat yourself to something nice or find a quiet space at work - even taking a nap.
- Read a book, listen to a podcast, watch something on YouTube or write.
A great exercise to help you truly decide if you are ready to return to work is to imagine.
Imagine
Imagine yourself there, on your first days back, see the space, the people, what would they say and what would they do. Write these down and put your worries on paper. Then ask yourself, “will it be this bad, do I feel somewhat comfortable, what would I do or say?”.
Want vs Need
Next you can make a list of want vs need, do I want to go back to work and why. Do I need to go back to work and why? Compare the two. If the needs outweigh the wants, maybe it’s time to consider other options for work.
These are all great tools to see if you are ready to return to work after baby loss.
Navigating Prodding Questions and unsolicited advice
The next thing to take into consideration is people’s prodding questions. One thing most of us learn around baby loss, is not many people want to talk about it. Unless of course you encounter someone in your workplace who has first hand experience, they may make themselves known to you after you’ve experienced your loss. In fact baby loss, particularly miscarriage is something that affects 1 in 4 people, therefore sadly either someone in your workplace has experienced it or someone they know will have experienced the loss of their child.
Generally speaking people won’t ask questions, you’ll find that questions are only asked if people don’t know what happened. This is a result of staff not being properly prepped on the return of their colleague. So what do you do if the daunting “how’s the baby?” questions start coming in
This can go many ways, and you shouldn’t feel bad for whichever way you respond. You are free to be open and honest, by saying “my baby died at birth” or “my baby was stillborn” or “My baby girl Maila was stillborn”. People should be prepared to deal with the answer for the question they asked. We should not feel guilty for making the conversation “uncomfortable”.
In the same breath we can also choose not to disclose anything, we can always say “I appreciate you checking in, but I don’t want to talk about it now or in the future”. People may be able to read between the lines, or they may just respect the fact that you don’t want to or need to talk about your personal life at work.
Unsolicited advice is possibly one of the harder things to navigate, as people are “well meaning” but don’t realise how their words can add insult to injury. Things like “it wasn’t meant to be” or “soon you’ll have another” are completely disrespectful things to say and invalidating to our children. To be brutally honest the best way to deal with this, is to address it as soon as possible, making it clear that you do not wish to hear opinions that discount your baby's existence and right to life.
As a result, you may find that many relationships at work will change, as people struggle to find the best way of communicating or not communicating with you. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to maintain or try to rebuild relationships - you don't have to.
Preparing to face Triggers
Another very important issue to bear in mind are triggers:-
Flashbacks
Some parents may find that being back in their work place gives them flashbacks of the moments they spent in that environment while pregnant. Such as the conversations in the canteen about your baby's milestones or “how unbelievable it is that we can give life”. The harmless complaints of “this baby keeps shoving her foot in my ribs”.
Personally I often have flashbacks from filling out my maternity leave form months before my daughter died, at the time I thought to myself “imagine going through all of this and not have a baby at the end of it”. These words echo in my head almost constantly, eerily haunting.
Small talk
Overhearing colleagues' conversations of their weekend with their children. Sharing fond memories, complaining about their children and talking about trying for babies or speaking of pregnancies.
Pregnant colleagues
Preparing to be around other pregnant colleagues and the feelings that come with this. The anxiety you may have for them, the envy for their smooth pregnancy and the sadness around your baby who died.
In moments like these it is always good to think about what your go to self soothing techniques could be. Maybe taking headphones and playing music, taking a break or taking an object to work, one you can hold on to when you start feeling anxious (maybe something that reminds you of your little one).
Conclusion
It’s sad to say that having a long time off work in the face of this tragedy is to be considered a luxury.
It’s sad to think that these are some of the things looming over our head, on top of grieving our babies. There are many things to think about in the return to work.
Many people quit their jobs for varying reasons. Maybe the values no longer align, maybe there has been a lack of understanding, empathy and compassion and possibly no communication at all.
Many find work elsewhere or within baby loss organisations, some start their own. A lot of people also return to their place of work and reintegrate “well enough” as their new selves. Some return to work and simultaneously run an Instagram or Facebook page dedicated to their child, they may attend local groups, take part in research or write about their experiences.
The most important thing when it comes to returning to work, is finding out all your options. Don’t feel the need to go back to what’s convenient, when you are no longer the person you were before your baby died. Your entire life has changed now, it’s ok to adapt and find new ways of living as the new you.
The comment section is open in this blog to hear about your experiences and what maternity and parental leave is like in your country. If you have noticed incorrect information or a change in the countries I mentioned above please also feel free to comment.
With love, Maila’s Mum x