Why Honouring the Memory of a Stillborn Baby Matters

A memory box with the baby loss pink and blue ribbon colours next to a pink and a blue baby shoes

Why Honouring the Memory of a Stillborn Baby Matters

Honouring the memory of stillborn babies is a right that should be granted to all parents and families affected by baby loss, should they choose to do so. Unfortunately, in many cultures, parents are often discouraged from holding onto and creating new memories of their babies after they have died. This is often done as a way of "protecting" parents from further pain and suffering, however people fail to understand that a whole world has been ripped away from parents and holding on to memories is all they have left to validate the fact that their baby existed.

The problem is that death is often viewed as a final event, when in reality, it's continuous, for as long as someone is gone, their absence will be felt. Therefore, remembering and honouring their existence, however brief it was, solidifies the deserved connection between parent and child that has been stripped away. Some of us may live in places where creating memories in the moments after our babies die is encouraged. This can be done by keeping a lock of hair, making hand and foot prints or castings, taking professional photographs, and in some cases, bringing the baby home for funeral preparation. These practices allow parents to grieve and experience all the raw emotions in those early moments. 

 

However, soon after our baby has been laid to rest, there is an expectancy to get over it and a sometimes unspoken time limit to our grief. Very quickly parents are encouraged to move on and look forward to new beginnings. Talk of a new baby soon follows, as if a new child could ever compensate for the ones we don’t get to hold. This rhetoric not only diminishes any existence of the baby who died but also implies that getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and giving birth to a living baby is simple and guaranteed, when we’re living proof that it isn’t.

When faced with someone who has lost a baby, people often frantically search for the non-existent silver lining, offering comments like, "it’s better this way because maybe your baby would have been ill," or start giving unsolicited advice on how to grieve - when grief itself is a deeply personal experience. There is no one-size-fits-all, and there are certainly no fixed stages of grief.

 

Sadly there is a common misconception that wanting to remember our babies is choosing to stay "stuck", or prisoner to the negative connotations associated with death and loss. In truth, for many of us, staying connected to the memory of our babies is what keeps us alive. Living without our children is one of, if not the hardest things a person can do, the real prison is living in a world that pretends your child never existed and doesn't allow you to express the love you have for them freely, uninterrupted and without judgement. Finding ways to keep our babies present is how we find reasons to keep living.

Why It Matters
So why does keeping the memory of babies alive matter? Not every parent will want to constantly remember their baby, who is now associated with one of the most traumatic events of their lives, and that sentiment is completely valid. Our babies are not the trauma, but their loss certainly is, and it can be difficult to separate the two. However, for those who do choose to remember, creating memories beyond loss allows for new experiences to be associated with these precious babies, rather than letting their death be the single overpowering memory.
Truthfully no experience will ever surpass the impact of their death, but we can definitely continue to parent their memory with the same love, care, and affection we would have given them if they were alive. 
This matters because it allows us to release and express the pent-up emotions of love that had nowhere to go. Being active in our grief expels the agitation that comes with losing a baby. After spending so much time growing a baby, preparing for their arrival, and experiencing drastic changes to your body and worldview, you’re left with nowhere to place the nursing and nurturing your body was preparing to do, the hugs, the kisses, the care. These intense emotions cannot and should not be bottled up.
The harsh reality is that when a baby dies, we experience many griefs—not just that of their departure, but also the loss of everything they won't get to do. It's as if they die again every day, as each day serves as a reminder of every milestone they didn’t reach, from first their steps to their first jobs.
Grieving a baby who never saw the world, and whom the world never got to see, is a unique kind of grief, and it is only fair that we have a unique kind of remembrance. Unlike other losses, we aren’t left with an abundance of memories, jokes, arguments, and photographs to look back on. In some cases, we are left with absolutely nothing, so it is okay to create memories in whatever way feels right. Creating these memories is one of the only ways we can find even a fraction of comfort to soothe our aching hearts and longing arms.
 
How Do We Create These Memories?
Losing a baby shatters all aspects of a person’s well-being. Memories can be made in a number of creative ways to help soothe us mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. From going on walks in remembrance of your baby, which provides physical and emotional comfort, to giving to charity in their name, these simple actions are a great way to keep our babies actively present in our daily lives and contribute to our wellbeing. 
 
Here are 10 ideas on how to keep the memory of your baby alive:
1. Making a list of all the memories from your pregnancy.
 
2. Lighting a candle for them.
 
3. Getting a plush toy in their name, with their weight and birth details.
 
4. Leaving traces of your child during your travels.
 
5. Writing letters to your baby.
 
6. Starting a blog about your baby.
 
7. Creating a photo album or scrapbook with moments from your baby’s life.
 
8. Making an altar at home for your baby.
 
9. Connecting with other parents with similar experiences and sharing stories of your babies.
 
10. Running a marathon in their name.
 
Benefits of Remembering Our Babies
There are many benefits in choosing to remember your baby. Our mind will always replay our trauma, punishing us for not doing enough, or convincing us that we aren’t worthy of parenthood. The sad truth is that dwelling on these untrue thoughts won’t change the fact that our babies are gone. Instead, when we are ready, it is better to do something with the love we are left with.
Each new memory made after the loss of your baby contributes to the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual aspects of our lives. If we think of these aspects as four separate jugs, each time we honour our babies memories, we are filling some or all of these jugs. 
 
The Emotional Jug
One way to fill our jug of emotional wellbeing is by looking back at our pregnancy with kinder eyes, knowing what we know now. Spend some time remembering and noting down those precious moments that now hold more significance. Even the more complicated pregnancy symptoms nausea, bloating, aversions to smells or tastes - can bring up feelings of gratitude. These symptoms were at the time very clear signs of communication from your baby to you, their way of letting you know they were there. Writing down these memories helps validate your pregnancy, reminding you that your baby was indeed here. 
Ask yourself, what was it like when you found out you were pregnant? How were those first moments? Cravings, favourite songs, how did you choose your baby's name - these are all beautiful moments to remember.
You can also pour into your emotional jug by setting aside time for creative expression. Putting together a photo album or scrapbook focuses energy on your baby in an inspired, constructive way. It allows you to strengthen the bond with your child and create tangible keepsakes that can be revisited or added to over time.
Travelling is also a great excuse to think of creative ways to include your child. While there may be complicated and mixed emotions around travelling after loss, it can be seen as an opportunity to get creative again. You could find activities to do in their memory, like looking for things that remind you of your baby, leaving objects like pebbles or leaves with their name around a country, sending off plant offerings to a river or sea in their name, or bringing back personalised gifts from each country you visit in their honour.
 
The Physical Jug
Our physical well-being needs a lot of attention, remembering our babies has a lot to offer our physical needs after loss. Whether in a passive capacity of physically feeling something or in the active capacity of doing something.
We ache so deeply longing to hold our babies again, feel their little body, their warmth and their weight. There is nothing in this life that can replace their rightful place on our lap, but we can still find ways to comfort this need. Weighted plush toys can provide this physical support, allowing you to hold tightly something that resembles the weight of your little one something many of us don't want to forget. It offers that sense of closeness that is otherwise missing. A good hug and a good cry go hand in hand to calm this void.
Running a marathon or engaging in physical activities can also  help to expel feelings of rage, frustration, anger, sadness, longing, and unrest. Running a marathon for your baby, wearing their name on your chest, and hearing other people reference you as their parent - leaves you with a feeling of elation that is unmatched. Though marathon training is hard, nothing can be as hard as losing your baby. Often when you run, you enter a trance-like state, which can be meditative too, but when the going gets tough and you hit a wall on your run, you can always bring your baby to mind for the push you need to keep going.
The Mental Jug
Reading and writing are two sides of the same coin, they offer the opportunity to go inward. There is nothing more intimate than taking time to write for or about your baby, through letters or blogs. 
Putting thoughts down is like a soothing balm for mental aches. Much like the way Dumbledore takes out his memories to put into a Pensieve in the Harry Potter series, writing down memories and thoughts can offer a relief from the load. Revisiting and reflecting on these memories allows us to declutter and release this mental weight even if only for a minute. 
The mental jug is probably the hardest to fill, as it stores a lot of past traumas too. The best we can do for it, is talk or write about our pains. This release allows the much needed space we need to think of our babies in a different light. It also matters who you to talk to and connecting with other parents  with similar experiences to you goes a long way to feeling seen and understood. In speaking with other parents you realise you are not crazy as some people who don't walk this path may make you feel. 
 
You are allowed to speak about your child, your anger with what happened, you're allowed to repeat stories and bring them up a million times. You’re allowed to speak about them in your present even if it has been 20 plus years. You will find that you can speak freely, without feeling like the party popper bringing the mood down by wanting to talk about your pride and joy.

It also really helps to have other people speak about your baby with love and remember their names and birthdays outside of your family unit, without you having to constantly remind them.
 
The Spiritual Jug
Losing a baby challenges everything we thought we knew about the "rules" of life and death, and how we make sense of our own existence now. For some searching for answers of “there must be more to this” brings us hope of being with our babies again, while for others it can very easily turn us away from any kind of belief.
On the whole, searching for a continued spiritual connection with our children is absolutely fine, contrary to what people may have you think. It contributes immensely for our wellbeing after loss. If our babies came from us why should we avoid having a continued spiritual connection with them.
Many parents who’ve experienced baby loss note that they find messages from their babies in their surroundings, some experience things that feel more than a coincidence. Whether you believe it or not, finding signs and flickers of remembrance do a lot to brighten a parent’s day. Sometimes it’s nice to see traces of our babies unexpectedly. 
There many ways we can fill our spiritual jug and strengthen the spiritual bond, connection and memory of our baby. Lighting a candle has so many benefits, it sends a calming energy all around you but it can also be said to light up in the invisible world your now child resides in.  
Mexican culture beautifully honours their family with pride on the Day of the Dead. They create an altars with pictures of their loved ones, leaving food and water offerings and marigold petals all around so their family can find their way to them. This welcoming gesture is so gentle and has a meditative quality to it, to be surrounded by love, positive energy and the presence of your baby is a beautiful bitter sweet sensation. 
There is a wonderful book called “Life Beyond the Veil” by G Vale Owen that speaks about the spirit of stillborn babies, it states that by continuing to honour them we are aiding their growth in the spirit world, allowing them to continue to know us. This way, when we ourselves die our babies will know who we are immediately and come to us. Be this true or not, it is a wonderful way to encourage parents to unapologetically and unashamedly continue to keep their babies a part of the family. 
 
Conclusion
Honouring the memory of our babies in ways that matter to us is vital for our overall well being. It allows us to connect with our children, share our grief, and express our love in ways that are meaningful. It’s not to say that we will be healed or recovered, however we will be able to find ways of coping. Learning to walk again on broken ground, you may still slip and fall over the cracks but you will find ways to keep moving  without leaving your baby behind. 
Most importantly remember that grief doesn't have a timeline, the journey of grief is deeply personal, and how we choose to navigate it, how we keep the memory of our babies alive, is entirely up to us. 
 
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